Forgiveness and Redemption

This weekend I had the privilege and blessing of being able to go on a Women's Retreat with our church. It was a first for me. I struggled with leaving my husband and son, even though I knew full well they would be just fine! I also knew the daily work I needed to do would be there when I returned. Thus I went.
The Lord has been speaking LOUDLY to me about the book of Proverbs. The retreat was about A Call to Wisdom: Which Voices Are You Listening To? In fact I have been planning a study of Proverbs for our Bible/Character curriculum for next year. I understood the obvious reasons the Lord was talking of, yet also felt a much deeper tugging at my heart.
Now I know why.
I grew up in church, and knew who Christ was. I knew He died for my sins and loved me. I veered back and forth on the path through the years. For about 10 years now, I have been following hard after Christ. Learning and stumbling along the way. Studying, digging. However, through the years as I have known of my forgiveness, I have not completely embraced and accepted it. I have still felt guilt, shame. Unworthy. I have not forgiven myself. I have left countless dirt clogs within my heart and soul. My dirt has been a barrier to my Savior's love, mercy and grace.
Friday night I was broken.
The walls I have been hiding behind came crashing down around me. I realized I was hindering my relationship with the Lord. I was not living it fully. I was seeking Him to give me wisdom of how to live. I was trying hard to follow His commands and teachings, but not embracing his grace and mercy along the way. I was still holding onto past sins and regrets, burying and stuffing them each time they came to surface. I knew I was forgiven, but just still didn't really get it! How could He forgive and unconditionally love ME?! I couldn't forgive myself.
I had become a turtle within a shell that had hardened through the years. Hardened so much that it was hurting countless relationships in my life... with my Savior, my mother, my husband, my son, and other family and friends. I had withdrawn so deeply, not allowing myself to truly feel. It had an effect so numbing, that once I released, I couldn't remember the last time I had truly allowed myself to "feel". I wept. I wept tears of sadness, regret, sorrow, shame, repentance. Then I wept tears of relief, thankfulness, acceptance and joy. My shell was cracked, and my dirt began to wash away. As the dirt emptied, I could feel the grace and mercy of the Lord fill me. It was like the weight of the world had been taken off my shoulders. A huge sense of relief. I was filled with a gush of flowing water, that was now crystal clear, the water of life.
As we studied the book of Proverbs this weekend several things really stood out to me. The first was from Proverbs 3.

My son, do not forget my teaching,
but let your heart keep my commandments,
for length of days and years of life
and peace they will add to you.

Let not steadfast love and faithfulness forsake you;
bind them around your neck;
write them on the tablet of your heart.
So you will find favor and good success
in the sight of God and man.

Trust in the LORD with all your heart,
and do not lean on your own understanding.
In all your ways acknowledge him,
and he will make straight your paths.
Be not wise in your own eyes;
fear the LORD, and turn away from evil.
It will be healing to your flesh
and refreshment to your bones.

Honor the LORD with your wealth
and with the firstfruits of all your produce;
then your barns will be filled with plenty,
and your vats will be bursting with wine.

My son, do not despise the LORD’s discipline
or be weary of his reproof,
for the LORD reproves him whom he loves,
as a father the son in whom he delights.

Proverbs 3:1-12

As I acknowledged my brokenness, I felt the urgency of repair and restoration. It could only begin with my Savior. I had been walking with Him for so many years, yet not accepting His unconditional love completely. I bowed down to Him, in reverence, truly beginning my fear and understanding of Him. With fear of the Lord, begins knowledge. Wisdom. Understanding and embracing His invitation to have a relationship with Him, through Jesus Christ. I pray that as I continue my walk, it will deepen and I can become more and more like Him, as I am made in His image. I pray that He will fill in the gaps, as I fall short daily.

I am so thankful to have listened to His call this weekend. As I strive to be a godly wife and mother, daughter, sister and friend, I know that God is Sovereign, God is in control, and He loves me. I know that He is my rock. Only through Him can I live and laugh with true JOY for the days to come.

On Sunday at church we prayed the following prayer:

Gracious God, our sins are too heavy to carry, too real to hide, and too deep to undo. Forgive what our lips tremble to name, what our hearts can no longer bear, and what has become for us a consuming fire of judgement. Set us free from a past that we cannot change; open us to a future in which we can be changed; and grant us to grow more and more in your likeness and image, through Jesus Christ, the light of the world.

Amen

May the blessings of Christ be upon you.

Come quickly, Lord Jesus!